Simi Valley Jon’s Marketplace — Monday 3:30 pm

September 27, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

A new contributor sent in this entry and described the buyer as an Andy Reid look-alike.  One can only imagine his Sansabelt pants really being tested, as it screams “No mas!  No mas!” every time this mouth breather sits down.  The anticipatory sweat on his upper lip beading as his purchase is loaded into the bag salting his lip-licking tongue.  Yes, this is the stuff dreams are made of for fat people.

By the way, see that spacer for “Hotel for Dogs”?  That movie sucked; it was so unrealistic.

2 bottles tea, 1 can anti-fungal spray, 1 bag cheese snacks, 2 packages turkey

Sherman Oaks Ralph’s — Tuesday 6:30 pm

September 27, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

Hi.  1986 called.  It’s looking for it’s beer back.

2 cans beer, 1 sweet potato

Sherman Oaks Ralph’s — Sunday 10:30 am

September 27, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

Here’s the posting I just put on Craigslist’s “missed connection“:

You were reading Soap Opera Digest, muttering to yourself.  You looked exquisite
in that oversized Grumpy t-shirt and handsome jean skirt.  Don't think I didn't
notice any stains...impressive! And then you spoke: a voice like a song.  Yes, I
heard you call your pack of Kool's "motherfucker" after dropping them on the
floor (sorry, I admit it...I was standing close enough to smell your burnt hair).

I wish I had the nerve to say hi and see if you wanted me to check that scab you
were intently picking at on your neck.

She was like no woman I have ever known, nor will ever know in my life.  I left and wept in my car for 20 minutes.  Wept like I haven’t in years.

Seriously: if you know her, have her call me.   Pus shouldn’t ooze like that.

1 case water (1 broken heart)

Pasadena Vons — Tuesday 5:55 pm

September 20, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

Three days worth of food for a single man. Or as Roger Ebert’s would’ve called it before losing half his jaw: dinner.

What?  Too soon?

I once met him.  Nice guy.  Although all he ever did was talk about how he wanted to kill Buckwheat.

1 roasted chicken, 1 container of milk,
1 package cupcakes (foreground);  1 12-pack of soda (background)

Denver Safeway — 6:20 pm

August 18, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

I’ve been staring at this picture for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to state the most obvious FAIL andit finally hit me.  I can’t.  It’s too on the nose.  Like OJ killed her on the nose.  Like the oldest Jonas Brother is gay on the nose.  The best I can do is tell you a joke my dad used to tell me when I was a kid:

A clerk at the market is scanning a woman's groceries.  "One toilet brush...one
plunger...one broom..." He looks at her and says, "you're new in town, aren't you?"
"Aren't you the observant one?" she flirts. "Yes, in fact I am."
"One Lady's Speed Stick...one Dove soap...one lady's razor." He looks at her again
and says, "you're single, right?"
"Why yes, I am?" she gushes.  "What gave it away?  Because I wasn't buying any
male products?"
"No," he replied.  "'Cause you're so fucking ugly."

Yes, funny.  Especially when you consider I was four when he used to tell me this joke.  But then again, this guy also ate Tastycakes and drank Hires Root Beer for breakfast.  That was followed by the Marlboros.*  Sweet times.

Seriously though, how can this woman person look at herself themselves in the mirror (without chocolate and shame smeared all over her face)?

…

No, I’m just kidding.  She seems really nice.  Really.

*Not my actual dad.  This guy is much cooler and probably never wore pink shirts to his kid’s really important birthday party (because Leah Polishook was going to be there).

2 Healthy Choice meals, 2 chocolate bars

August 13, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

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Malibu Pavillions — Saturday 1:00 pm

August 12, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

Potato chips and Tic Tacs?  WTF? Thankfully, we here at 12items have sunk hundreds of thousand of dollars to unlock this mystery of the unknown item using phototronic, laser-guided microscopes.  And you know what we found out:  it’s class.  That’s right.  They sell class in Malibu food stores.  Now that the secret’s out, US Weekly is going to be on it like stink on Lindsay’s finger.  Maybe they’ll replace their “Celebrities: They’re Just Like Us!” feature for a spread on this new trend.   On a side note, I’ve often wondered if there’s a bizarro version of this rag for celebrities called Them Weekly with a section called “Shlubs: They’re  Just Like Us!” which features pictures of everyday people caught doing glamous things with captions shouting “They go to Canne for two weeks and stay on Diddy’s yacht! (No they don’t, they suck and are poor!  Yay us!)”  You know what?  Fuck celebrities and their “class.”  If I ever saw a celebrity I would go right up to them and tell them what Weird Harold said to Mush Mouth: “You’re like a teacher on Thanksgiving break.  No class, turkey!”  And then do that weird dance they always did on Fat Albert.  And yes, I admit it, I hope my words makes Abigail Breslin cry.

1 bag potato chips, 1 box Tic Tacs, 1 unknown item

Sherman Oaks Ralph’s — Saturday 4:15 pm

August 9, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

Yeah, so it’s been awhile.  Suck it.

SpongeBob string cheese?   I mean, I get it.  Kids like SpongeBob.  Hell, I like SpongeBob.  He and Patrick really get themselves in some doozy situations, right?  I mean, remember that time, SpongeBob wanted to get into the Salty Spitoon and Patrick let’s him beat him up to prove his toughness.  And then, after he finally gets in, he slips on an ice cube and gets rushed to the hospital.  Ah, comeuppance.  Always hilarious.     You know who should’ve slipped on an ice cube?  Hitler.  That would’ve been hysterical because he totally deserved it.

(The judges would’ve also accepted: “That’s a lot of cheese on one conveyor belt, that’s all I’m sayin’.”)

1 box Cheez-Its, 1 package American Cheese, 1 package of string cheese

New York City Fairway — Saturday 2:00 pm

March 5, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

What seemed like a good shot at first got better when I realized this submitter has lactose-intolerant milk to go along with her dairy-infused lasagna and those undoubtedly stomach-churning cheeses.   It seems she is being cautious in the morning (“I won’t have to poop at work if I stick with the lactose-free milk”), but is ready to reward herself with a healthy dinner and possible monkey butt from the chronic diarrhea she’s bound to have.

Incidentally, those cheeses come in the greatest wax packaging.  I save them up for a rainy day.  And then, on that rainy day, invite the neighborhood kids over for a real life Fight Club giving them the wax to use as mouth guards.  While the boys are all fighting, I make sure the girls’ drinks are filled and their cigarettes are lit.  This is why I’m so popular and admired.

1 box of veggie lasagne, 1 package of mini cheese, 1 carton of milk

Chicago Whole Foods — Monday 9:40pm

February 26, 2009 | Filed Under Uncategorized | Leave a Comment 

Whole Foods is a great store.  Besides aisle after aisle of specialty food, hot girls shop here.  Well, presumably hot girls shop everywhere, but there seems to be a higher concentration of them at Whole Foods.  This is fine with me, not just because hot girls pushing grocery carts is a special fetish of mine, but because throughout the store, the nice people at Whole Foods make sure you know that you are making a difference because you are shopping consciously…whether its those organic apples or the local eggs:  yay you!

Then, you pay.  Holy fucking shit!  Who the fuck pays $6 for a carton of eggs?  I’ll tell you who: hot chicks and sexually deviant idiots.

The late dinner shown below cost the submitter more than $12.  Well, pardon us, your majesty. Your man-servants are waiting outside to carry you home, Cleopatra-style.

1 prepackaged Ham & Cheese sandwich, 1 bag pita chips, 1 black cherry soda

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